


talk (like real people do)

by perihelion (mattratat)



Series: almost (sweet forgiveness) // an ienzo collection [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, PTSD, from that scene in com? y'all know the one, nomura wouldn't let them talk so i DID, the i in ienzo stands for issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 21:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19732189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattratat/pseuds/perihelion
Summary: Ienzo tries to tell himself he isn't bitter. It doesn't work.





	talk (like real people do)

**Author's Note:**

> one day i tweeted something like "the fact that ienzo and axel didn't talk about their issues is a goddamn crime" and then everyone reminded me that i could, in fact, write it myself, and here we are

Ienzo wasn’t bitter. He  _ wasn’t. _

It was one of the things he’d prided himself on since recompletion. He felt that he’d gotten used to having  _ feelings _ again pretty quickly. He’d become the master of sorting through them. 

Did he still wake up at night, screaming from the feeling of hands tightening around his throat? Maybe. 

Did his heart rate still pick up every time he saw silver hair out of the corner of his eye? Perhaps. 

But he could deal with all of that. Once he’d realized what was happening, he’d become the expert in talking himself down, in moving past the sudden rush of  _ fear _ and _ panic _ and  _ emotions _ that he didn’t want to deal with. 

Ansem told him that this was not, in fact, how coping with trauma in a healthy manner worked. That it was simply compartmentalizing and that it would catch up to him eventually. Normally, Ienzo would have taken his words to his newly reformed heart, but this wasn’t something he particularly wanted to deal with, and that was that. 

Except. 

Except now it was really starting to interfere with his work. 

Because,  _ fuck _ , he was bitter and it was hard to concentrate on anything other than the pure, petty rage bubbling in the back of his throat when he caught sight of a certain Keyblade wielder. 

Which he knew was stupid. Even didn’t seem phased by this occasional presence and, really, he had infinitely more reason to be angry than Ienzo was. 

Because Vexen had been killed by Axel, not Zexion. 

But then Ienzo would remember gloves covered in small blades cutting into his throat as the hands in them  _ squeezed _ the life out of him and hearing Axel’s gleeful, vengeful laugh at seeing his orders carried out and. Well. 

He was fucking bitter. 

Deep down, he knew that it wasn’t really Axel’s fault- god did he  _ have _ to keep going by that?- but part of him just couldn’t let it go.

Which was why he wasn’t very happy to have Axel hanging around his lab, fucking with his ability to focus and get anything done. That was what aggravated him more than anything because how was he supposed to make up for everything he’d done if he couldn’t at least focus on his work?

And atoning for his mistakes is all he could do, now that everything was said and done, so the distraction was not welcome. 

Normally, Axel would have someone in tow, typically Isa, Roxas, Xion, or some combination of the three, but today he burst into the lab alone. He was out of breath, Ienzo noticed, and there was a feral look in his eyes. 

It made Ienzo’s new heart sputter with anxiety. He tried to swallow it back as he looked up from his computer. 

“Axel,” he said, as nice as a greeting as the redhead was going to get out of him. “What brings you in today?” 

Axel looked over, as if he’d just noticed that Ienzo was there. If that was the case, Ienzo wouldn’t be all that surprised. That had always been the case when they were in the Organization, after all. Until the end, anyways. 

“Riku found something,” Axel said. “I came to report it to Ansem.” 

“He’s out,” Ienzo told him. “He went into town to meet with the restoration committee.” 

“What does he want with them?” Axel asked, brow scrunching in confusion. As if it was any of his business in the first place. 

Ienzo shrugged. “I didn’t ask.” 

“Oh,” Axel answered lamely, but he recovered quickly enough. “Is there anyone else here I could talk to then?” 

Ienzo’s eyebrow shot up before he could even think about controlling his expression. So Axel didn’t want to talk to him. That was… interesting. “There’s me.”

“Right,” Axel said. His smile was sheepish. Ienzo felt the urge to smack it right off his stupid face, but he shoved that to the back of his mind. Axel scratched at the back of his head. “I just didn’t think…”

“You can say that again,” Ienzo muttered, unable to stop himself. He froze when he realized what he said, but Axel was laughing. 

The sound grated on his nerves more than he wanted to admit. 

“Ouch, Zex. But fair enough,” he said. Ienzo tried not to wince at the old nickname. 

“Sorry. What were you saying?” Ienzo said, trying to force the conversation forward. The sooner Axel told him, the sooner he could  _ leave. _

“I just didn’t think you’d want to talk to me, to be honest,” Axel said, shrugging.

Interesting. 

“The past is the past. We were, quite literally, different people,” Ienzo said, sounding far calmer than he felt. How sorely he wished that were true. Maybe if that were true, he wouldn’t feel so goddamn guilty all the time. 

“Yeah, I know,” Axel said, smile slipping for the briefest of seconds. “About that…”

“What’s the news, Axel?” Ienzo asked. In all honesty, he didn’t want to hear whatever it was that Axel had to say to him. Not right now, not when he was so on edge. It wasn’t going to change anything and, really, there were more important matters at hand. 

He wished Ansem were here. He could deal with Axel, then, and Ienzo would be able to get his work done. Or he could try to, at least. 

Axel frowned, but nodded. “Right. Riku sent word this morning that he thinks he might finally be on the right path to finding Sora.” 

“Oh?” Ienzo asked, sitting up a little straighter now. That  _ was _ interesting, almost enough to make him forget how irritated he was. They’d been going on nothing but breadcrumbs for months now, trying to find any trace that Sora was even alive, that any development was a relief. “Interesting. Did he elaborate on that at all?” 

“Not really,” Axel admitted, “He’s kind of gone AWOL, actually. That’s why I came here, to see if Ansem had any way of tracking him. Heart data and whatever.”

Ienzo somehow managed not to roll his eyes at the “whatever.” “We’ll see what we can do. I have to admit, outside of the work with replicas, I don’t think Riku was ever the subject of much study. I might not find anything.” 

Admitting when he didn’t know things was new, something he was working on. This time last year even, he’d never have been able to look this man in the face and admit that his knowledge was lacking. It would have been a disaster.

But he wasn’t the only one who’d changed. 

Axel simply nodded. “I was kind of expecting that. Riku’s a bit of a wildcard, isn’t it?” 

“Unfortunately,” Ienzo agreed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he thought. He wished Riku would have said something to them, at least, before disappearing to look for Sora, as he so often did. This time was different, he supposed, because Riku seemed to think he found something. Really, though, that just made it all the more important that they could keep track of him. But Riku had up and left, so now it was up to them to pick up the pieces in his wake. “But we’ll just have to do what we can.” 

How he wished Ansem was here to deal with this. He couldn’t help but steal a glimpse towards the doorway, hoping to see the familiar presence wandering in. But there was nothing. Nothing was all he’d expected and yet, he was still disappointed. He swallowed it down. 

“That’s all we can do, right?” Axel asked, sighing. 

Ienzo’s mouth formed a hard line. He nodded. 

But Axel wasn’t finished there. “Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough?” 

The question wasn’t necessarily directed at Ienzo and it wasn’t necessarily an accusation, but it still felt like being drenched with ice water. The mere suggestion of it choked him, the feeling of air refusing his throat all too familiar. Because to Ienzo, it was an accusation. Was he doing enough? Would he ever truly be able to atone? He asked himself that every morning, every day, every night he spent lying awake, sleep unable to reach him. He asked himself that  _ constantly. _

He didn’t know how he felt about Axel asking himself the same thing. “All the time.”

Axel looked to him now, and it felt like the ground was being pulled out from under Ienzo’s feet. “I guess that shouldn’t surprise me. You always were hard on yourself.” 

“How would you know?” Ienzo snapped before he could stop himself. 

Axel’s eyes widened, uncertainty lingering in them, so apparent that Ienzo could see it from across the room. “I guess that’s fair. I deserve that, don’t I?” 

“No,” Ienzo admitted, feeling guilty already for losing his temper. He sniffled, and he really wasn’t sure why. “But sometimes we get things we don’t deserve.” 

He sniffled again, quick to try and hide it with a cough, covering his mouth with his sleeve. 

“Well, don’t get all choked up now,” Axel joked, trying for a grin. It was, of course, the worst choice of words he could have used. 

“Excuse me?” Ienzo said, eyes narrowing. He didn’t think Axel really knew just how deeply his words cut, but that didn’t make it  _ feel  _ any better. 

“Look, Zex, I’m-”

“It’s Ienzo now,” he snapped, but the edge in his voice  _ sounded _ like Zexion to his ears and he wanted to scream, to throw something, to  _ hurt _ . 

Axel’s expressed seemed to soften, but Ienzo didn’t want to see it. “I know. I’m sorry. Some habits die hard.” 

Ienzo sighed. He was being irrational, he knew that. He counted to ten in his mind, telling himself to calm down. But he was bitter and he was sad. And, really, above all else, he was  _ tired.  _ He was so goddamn tired. 

It wasn’t Axel’s fault, really. But he was here, and Ienzo couldn’t stop the words from falling from his mouth. 

“How can you be so flippant about everything?” Ienzo demanded. It wasn’t fair and he knew it. It wasn’t even really true. He was jealous, really, of Axel’s ability to turn anything into a joke. “I don’t- I don’t understand.” 

He couldn’t read the expression on Axel’s face anymore. It was blurry, for starters, and he realized that he must be crying. But why was he crying? He wasn’t sad. He was angry, yes, and and frustrated and tired- but he wasn’t sad. At least, he didn’t think he was. He wasn’t sad, so why was he crying? Did frustration make people cry? He had no idea.

He wiped his eyes, quickly, shame bubbling in his chest. He wanted to take it back, to apologize, to add it to the list of things to atone for, but Axel was already speaking. 

“Because I don’t know what else to do,” Axel admitted. Even with clear eyes now, Ienzo couldn’t read his expression and that scared him. “How else to talk about to you about it.” 

“I don’t appreciate the jokes,” Ienzo muttered. “It’s still… a sore spot, I suppose.” 

“You suppose?” Axel repeated. He laughed, but it was an empty, sad sound. “God, Ienzo, you sound so old.” 

“I feel old,” he admitted with a sigh. “Young and old. Somewhere in between. Both. Neither. All at once. I don’t know.” 

It felt good to get it off his chest, he supposed. To stop ignoring it, even if it was only Axel he was admitting it to. 

Axel shrugged. “Well, you both did and didn’t get to grow up.” 

Ienzo mimicked his shrug. He didn’t know what to say. Axel wasn’t wrong, but it didn’t feel right to agree with him. Again, he didn’t know why. 

“You know, I think this conversation is going to suck no matter what,” Axel said.

Ienzo nodded. “Probably.” 

For a moment, he considered asking Axel if they could just not have it. He didn’t really want to talk about it, after all. He wanted to throw it in a box somewhere and swallow the key and never think about it again. But he didn’t because, really, it was time for him to stop ignoring his demons. Even if he didn’t like it. Axel seemed as good a demon as any to start with. 

“But it would probably be a hell of a lot better over some ice cream,” Axel continued. “What’dya say?” 

Ienzo couldn’t help but agree. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!!! its not ur regularly scheduled soriku programing but we'll get back to that soon i promise- 
> 
> thanks so much to soup for screaming with me about this as well as claudia and the writing discord gang!!! y'all keep me going !!! 
> 
> if u liked it, please leave a kudos and a comment!! they really keep me motivated to write!! 
> 
> also hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/vanitashours) for more feral screaming about ienzo!! have a great day!!


End file.
